Gryphonic

My Great Experiment has come to an end.

As this post is published, I will be just about to fly out of Toronto’s International Airport for the last time as a resident of the city, as well as a resident of Canada.

When I left the United Kingdom, back on July 13th 1997, my thought was that my permanent home would be the United States of America, and that I might meet someone with who I would spend the rest of my life with, start a family, and all that comes with that.

Of course, that didn’t happen.

Around May of 2001, I first lost the job that brought me to the US. This was right at the worst time of my permanent residency process, and had to scramble around to find another one to avoid having to go back to the UK. I managed to find another and started that one in late July. But the US economy had soured, and I was never able to start the permanent residency process again. I was let go in layoffs somewhere around end of July/September of 2003, and looked north to Vancouver, Canada, to avoid having to go back to the UK. Fortunately, the job I’d been working in since 2001 set me solidly on the career that I’m in today, and I was able to get an offer from a company in Vancouver who made DHCP and DNS software. It was down to that company, who I was with for over 13 years, that I was able to get permanent residency in Canada – and later citizenship – which meant that my life in North America was secure and I would no longer have to worry about being kicked out and back to the UK.

I left that company in the beginning of 2018 as it had been bought by a big, publicly traded software consortium, who only seemed to care about making profits for shareholders rather than the relationships we’d built up with customers. In the year prior to my leaving, about half the long tenured staff who were there had quit for elsewhere, including core engineering people. That showed me the writing on the wall and I went looking for new employment, realizing that my Canadian citizenship meant I could now move freely to anywhere in the country…. Well, except Quebec, because that’s a special little place. I interviewed with another company out in Toronto that was doing much the same as my current company, just in the Enterprise space instead of Broadband, and they liked me well enough to make me an offer. I signed it on my birthday that year, and on January 12th I left the Vancouver area for the last time and started driving east – going south first into the US to avoid possible winter woes I might have had driving through a Canadian winter.

I arrived in Toronto on January 17th.

It’s now almost 8 years later, and the company I’m with still likes me well enough. But things changed in other ways.

My brother got married, and now has 3 kids (a boy and twin girls), 2 cats, and a dog. He lives just a couple of miles from my parents’ place. My parents are getting older, and unfortunately my dad has developed dementia. He doesn’t have it too bad, at least, but it was enough to stop him from driving, and his memory is definitely not what it was. My mum has a few health issues herself, but nothing that stops her from going on with life as normal. My aunt is also closer than ever to everyone, and the family there has come together much more than when I was there.

So, my parents need help, I have neices and a nephew that want to know their uncle better, and a family that misses me. That’s one reason to go back.

Another is that while I’m very comfortable in my life here in Toronto, my social lift has never been what it was when I was in California. I have one very close friend I meet up with often for dinner and things like movies, a dinner group I saw once a month, and maybe another person I saw sometimes for dinner. So, not that much overall. When the weather is decent, I might also go out and join one of the Pokémon GO groups as well. Still, hardly a big social calendar.

The idea I had back in 1997 of me being married with a family, and ties to keep me in North America seems so incredibly naive or at the very least dated now. I had really one relationship when I was in California, and that ended with that person cheating on me. But I’m not sure it would have worked anyway, as it’s only in the last five or so years that I realized why I had never looked at people and thought “I fancy them”. I’d never even looked at people that way when I was in secondary (high) school, despite my peers being of such mind. It was just in these recent years that I finally understood what this asexuality thing was, and that really I’d always been this way, and that looking back on things, the idea of having a family probably wasn’t on the cards anyway.

Thus, I had no real ties to keep me here in Canada. I know one friend that might disagree, but it’s not quite enough with everything else.

I already have a few plans waiting for me for when I arrive in the UK. Of course there will be the usual Christmas related things with family, and I’m sure that at a number of points during the various gatherings I will be made severely uncomfortable by their political views (they’re seriously looking at voting Reform, need I say more? :P), as well as the occasional bit of racism. Certainly by moving west I’ve become a lot more liberal thinking than when I was in the UK, and looking back I’m horrified at myself for when I was back in school – the surroundings that you’re in when you’re growing up definitely have an effect in indoctrinating your ways of thinking, and I’m very happy to have broken out of those ways.

Other than the family related things, I do hope to see more of friends I know back in the UK, even though that most are not that nearby. Though there are occasional gatherings that bring people in, such as regular LondonFurs and Berkshire/Surrey folks meets. I’m at a bit of a disadvantage there as I’ll certainly be one of the more older people in attendance, and I only really know a few people from each group.

Also there’s podcast related things. I used to do my own podcast with a couple of other people where we reviewed old Doctor Who stories – mostly from TV, but sometimes from the Big Finish audio range as well. That led me to meet another group from the UK one year at the Gallifrey One convention near the Los Angeles airport, and I got to be good friends with them. I’ve been a guest at a few of their recordings, which conveniently takes place about 30 minutes drive away from where I’ll be living – and I’ll be joining their group permanently come the new year. That’ll be a social session every two weeks, so that’s really good. They’re a good bunch, and I’ve got a similar sense of humour to them (ie, British), so we already get on pretty well.

Sadly, there doesn’t seem to be any large local Pokémon GO group near to where I’ll be, with the nearest large one (with a community ambassador) being either a 40 minute drive (into Greater London, which would be ‘bleh’) or about 1h30 by train. There’s a slightly smaller one – again with a CA – a smidge nearer at a 25 minute drive or 1 hour bus ride. The big issues here are the costs, since it costs to park, and public transit is not as cheap as a Cdn$3.30 fare on the TTC (and good for 2 hours of travel)

I have the Confuzzled convention to look forward to in May, as I managed to get a room in the main hotel for that. No other convention plans yet, though.

There are also Renaissance (or Fantasy) Faires in the UK, and I was extremely surprised to find out that one of them (near Oxford in July) has already sold out of tickets for the Saturday! I’m still trying to get one friend I know to commit to coming up for the Sunday one. There’s also another one on the first weekend in September (no Labour Day in the UK, but it is the same weekend), but I’m already planning to hit up a Doctor Who event in Derby on the Saturday, but might be able to do the Faire on the Sunday. There are also some other event as well, so I do have some chances to bring out Athra the Khajiit and have him play around.

One thing that I really want to get to as well is the annual Elder Scrolls Online Tavern event that happens in Germany, usually around July. I will finally be in range to make it to that, and if ever there was an event I need to bring Athra too, it’s that one.

Then there is also the chance to travel places by rail in the UK. Over the past couple of years I’ve gotten into the habit of watching various YouTubers travel all over the country by rail. This is something that I used to do with a small Railway Society I was in back in secondary school. We got to go to a number of places around the UK that way. Watching these videos I’ve realized that there is a lot about the UK rail network that I was never familiar with, such as the whole “this station is a request stop” concept, where you have to tell the guard you want to get off, or if you want to get on you actually have to flag down the approaching train. If I do this, I think that I would like to vlog my travels. I have no plans to become a “professional content creator”, but if the odd person through me some contribution through KoFi that would offset things. Eh, we’ll see. Personally, I don’t think I’m an interesting person to watch, having a face for radio and a voice for silent movies. But, if I do it for fun… (if I actually stick with it, which is a big problem I have)

In other words; I think that there is plenty of things that I could find to do in the UK, and I think that there’s more things open to me there than there were in Toronto.

We’ll see… Wish me luck.

I try to avoid posting about politics on social media. It’s often a very divisive topic, and at this point – after an Presidential election campaign that basically kicked off immediately after US election night back in 2020 – many people are just flat out exhausted about the whole thing.

Let’s start by saying that the way that the whole electoral system in the US works is absolutely bonkers, especially with regard to the US Senate and Office of the President. With the US Senate, the way that every single state gets two senators, regardless of the population within that state, is crazy. This gives the lowest populated state (Wyoming) equal voice to the most populated state (California). As the US Senate is responsible for confirming federal appointments, including the judiciary, this can result in some absolutely lop-sided representation.

Then with the way that the Presidential elections are determined, the Electoral College, we’ve seen in previous years (and always when Republican candidates have ultimately won) that a candidate can win even if the majority of the vote goes to the other candidate. It’s crazy that someone with less votes than the other ends up winning.

Let’s also state that the two party system in the US is also pretty crazy. Where I am in Canada we have four major parties, the Green party, and some independents. (While the Green party is well recognized, I’m going by the official definition that a political party in Canada must have at least 12 elected members in the House of Commons to be a ‘recognized party’). In the UK it’s basically three parties. I can’t speak to other countries, as I’m not familiar with their systems.

Multiple parties can result in some interesting scenarios, especially when the ruling party does not have a majority of members (ie, half the total number of house seats available plus one). That’s the situation we have right now, and it – for a while – gave a situation where the NDP gave support to the ruling Liberals on the proviso that certain pieces of their agenda were brought into law. This brings something that these days we rarely see in political systems; compromise. Really, this is how things should work. Rather than just straight up opposing whatever the ruling party is doing, trying to get the parts that are most objectionable changed or watered down, until it’s something that they can live with.

With a two party system, you don’t get that. Instead we maybe see more ‘riders’ that get attached to proposed bills to try and buy support from people in your own party that don’t want to support the bill, while the opposition just flat out don’t want to engage in any compromise at all. That kind of action has especially hurt the Republican party in recent years as a vocal group within the House have managed to oust their own Speaker of the House just because he actually deigned to compromise with the Democrats.

But back to the 2024 election, and lets start with the Presidential campaign. This has been flat out ugly. We thought that we saw ugly back in 2016 when Trump first ran, and then we saw it get worse in 2020, but this time around has surpassed that. The level of racism, xenophobia, and misogyny he has brought to his campaign would have been disqualifying to any other candidate. But here we have millions of people who are willing to put their support behind a convicted felon, something that would have utterly ended the candidacy of anyone else.

This campaign, for the reasons above, should not be this close either. It’s utterly crazy that it is. I really find it hard to believe that potentially over 74 million people could be voting for Trump (assuming we see numbers comparable to the 2020 election) considering all the things that he’s done and said. I have to believe that most of these people are those who would vote Republican because that’s what they always vote, come Hell or high water.

Unfortunately, I think there is little we can do to change the minds of these people. Any hope to do so is likely lost due to the agenda of Fox News, who day after day push propaganda to show how evil and misguided the ‘radical left Democrats’ are. (Radical left? Really, anywhere else in the world, Democrats are still a few steps to the right of centre, unwilling to really step over that centre line)

So really, any plea I have here is to those US citizens who aren’t planning to vote, because they’re either too bored or disillusioned with the system, or think that it won’t matter.

Every vote must count. Your vote can make a difference. For example, in the recent Provincial Elections in British Columbia, there are some ridings which have been decided by as little as 92 votes.

So tomorrow, regardless of what state you’re in – safe Blue state or battleground – get out, get in line, cast your vote. Get a provisional ballot if you need to. Don’t be told “no, you’re too late”.

Make the difference.

Lately, I’ve started wondering if it’s worth me staying in Toronto, and even Canada.

In terms of friends that I actually see, there’s only one that I really see with any regularity. There’s a small group that I see once a month. But other than those, that’s about it.

Sure, it’s easy to say “Make some more friends, get to know more people,” and things like that, but I find making friends to be rather hard — especially that I’m on the wrong side of 50 now, and so many people around here (in the furry community) are much younger.

So most of the time, I just feel alone where I am.

It’s not just specific to Toronto, as I had much the same kind of thing when I was back in Vancouver as well. When I was in the Bay Area, it was less so, but still there were just few people that I really hung out with on any regular basis.

Then there’s the thought of family back in the UK. Since I left there in 1997 my family back there has grown. My brother got married, and now has three kids (a boy who’s 7, and twin girls who will be 4 – I think? – later this year). They moved to a house that’s about 2 miles away from my parents’ place, and now my aunt (my mother’s sister) is looking to move to the same area as well.

The family back there seems to have become closer, with more gatherings and even vacations away together. For example, this week they’re all down in a big house near Lymington, just south of the New Forest.

My mom will be 80 this year, and my dad was 85 back at the end of April. My aunt is few years younger than my mom, and my brother is a few years younger than me.

I’m starting to worry that being separated from them by the Atlantic might make things harder as the years move on, especially considering that my dad has got some progressing dementia.

I also worry that when – eventually – my parents pass on, the physical distance between myself and my brother’s family may lead to falling out of touch with them.

This has made me start to think about something I really didn’t plan on doing: Should I consider moving back to the UK?

Sure, it would be a big upheaval after spending close to 27 years (and now over half my life) living in N. America. But is it possible that there may be more for me there right now than there is here?

I’d likely be able to move back and still keep my current job, because we’re pretty much remote work now anyway. Also, there is one person in an adjacent team to mine (which escalates things up to my team) that is located in the UK already, so having someone in that timezone as well may well be useful.

I’m not sure, and I couldn’t get to sleep last night because that thought was occupying my mind.

When I left in 1997, there wasn’t too much for me there (other than family). But now, the furry fandom has come on in leaps and bounds there – not just in the UK, but over the English Channel as well with places like Germany, Sweden, and so on within just as easy reach as flying from Toronto to San Francisco or so.  There are some ren faires over in the UK, as well as fantasy faires like Elfia over in the Netherlands.

I also spent much of my teen years being interested in the railways there, and compared to N.America, railways in the UK (and Europe) are far more interesting to me, plus they can take me more places — admittedly not cheaply within the UK, but there’s still things there that I’d love to do now that I didn’t even know about back in the 80’s and 90’s.

But it’s a massive move to do.

I’m just not sure…

I originally planned to go to the UK for Christmas 2023, but with Cylia’s health scare I didn’t want to risk her stability and so postponed the trip to a later time.

That “later time” became this week, and – as if on cue – Cylia started giving me health scares again. First I noticed that her breathing was a little laboured, and a trip down to the vet determined that she had some fluid buildup around her lungs. That was taken care of and her diuretic medication increased. Then the day before I left I stopped in at the vet to pick up some more medication, and the vet wanted to see her to do a quick scan to check that the medication dosage was correct. This ended up being a multi-hour visit to actually get the scan, and then get more fluid (that had built up from last time – only about 10 days ago) tapped off. I thought that was going to be it and she would be stable for her time at the pet boarding place I had her booked into. After all, they said they could give her medication and all of that.

Well, maybe they could, but Cylia didn’t want to let them. I got a message on Sunday night saying that she was being uncooperative, not eating, and not pooping. With all of this, they wanted to move her to a vet to do boarding. Of course, my being thousands of miles away didn’t help things there, because I got that message on Monday. When I woke to find that message, it absolutely shot my mood, and my anxiety about all of this flared up in high gear.

By 4pm UK time, I got news that the boarding place was going to try and get her into a vet place that had boarding (which I had tried last week to see if they were available, but weren’t). Though by 9.30pm I had a call from that vet to say that they didn’t feel comfortable taking her and recommended she go to an emergency vet. My anxiety was now in overdrive. I called back the boarding place and had them contact my usual vet, giving them the name of various doctors they could talk to that have familiar with Cylia. Now my usual vet doesn’t do boarding any more, because they had a reduced staff count due to the COVID pandemic that they’ve not yet built their numbers back up. As such, they’re only open Monday to Saturday, closed Sundays. Because no one is there Sunday, they don’t offer boarding. This becomes a wrinkle because although I arrive back on Saturday afternoon, there is a chance I may not get to the vet clinic before it closes at 8pm.

Anyway, the vet clinic agreed to take Cylia and she was transported down there Monday evening. I got an email from my usual vet doctor about 2pm Tuesday to say that Cylia is doing well, her lungs sound clear, her breathing is not laboured, and that she is eating. I was definitely relieved.

At least until this morning, when I noticed a missed call from the clinic at 11.30pm (UK time) last night, which would have been around 30 minutes before the clinic closed. There was no voicemail left, and there was no email either. I started to worry again, thinking that if it was bad news they would be wanting to talk to me in person instead of leaving a message.

I had to wait until after 12noon today before I could call the clinic, which would be 8am in Toronto. The receptionist said that there was nothing in the notes for Cylia to suggest a problem, and I asked if the doctor I usually spoke to was in (since she often works mornings). She was, but was doing assessments of the hospitalized animals, and she may not be able to speak to me. I felt pretty sure that she would, and asked the receptionist to check, and within a few moments the doctor was on the phone.

She reassured me that Cylia is still doing well, eating and breathing well, and that everything is fine. The guess was that the doctor who called was just going to give an update, but opted not to leave a message. I said that I’d rather they did leave a message than nothing at all, and the doctor agreed, and there should be a note to say to do that from now on.

Anyway, I’m about as relieved as I can be right now, but this hasn’t really been the kind of vacation that I can enjoy since I’ve had this going on in the background. I’ll not really relax until I’m back home Saturday evening with the catten.

Then I have to figure out how to handle going away again next time – since I’ve got a work trip coming up 3rd week of April, a potential trip to Florida (parents traveling to the Bradenton area for my Dad’s birthday), and then AnthroCon in July.

I should be able to get Cylia into that vet boarding place that refused me this time (because this time there would be time to arrange everything and bring them up to speed), as a place like that can definitely handle giving cat medications, and I’ll be asking my usual vet to give Cylia some appetite stimulant to send along with her as well.

For the past… oh, I’m not even sure how long it’s been… I’ve felt that I’ve been just kind of “coasting” through life.

My days are often more of the same kind of doldrums; work (which isn’t really too busy), mixed with the occasional watching of videos on YouTube relating to either transit/trains, Pokémon Go, gaming (Elder Scrolls Online and Star Trek Online), analysis of various animated shows, and whatever the algorithm ends up showing me that looks somewhat interesting.

Yet when it comes down to doing anything relating to what I watch there, I find that I can do it for a few hours or so, and then I get bored/give up on it for a while.

There’s been other things that I’ve sought to try as well, but I end up getting bored/giving up on them fairly soon as well.

Nothing seems to really hold my interest well. There’s nothing that I can even say that I’m really dedicating myself to.

And that worries me.

I see other people who’ve managed to really get their focus on one or a couple of particular things, and I’d love to be able to do that. Even with just one thing.

One thing that I’ve started to wonder lately; is this some form of attention deficit disorder? How does someone the wrong side of 50 even go about checking on something like that? If it is, then I’ve lived with it undiagnosed for most of my life.

Maybe I might then even be able to find a little bit more enjoyment out of things I do.